Dear Sir,
You don't know me, but we both work out at the same gym. I think you know the one.
As you're no doubt aware, you have a frequent habit of standing nude in front of the hot air dryers, using them to dry yourself off after your shower. But rather than concern yourself with merely the hair on your head, you also spend a significant amount of time using the dryer to remove any moisture from the rest of your body as well.
While I'm certain that prolonged periods of nudity in the common, central areas of the locker room is a violation of generally accepted gym-locker-room etiquette, I'm willing to give you a pass on this, for the most part. Damp areas on the human body, or elsewhere, are a haven for bacteria and fungi, so perhaps you are overly concerned with that issue and are doing all you can to completely dry yourself.
The issue at hand, so to speak, is your balls.
Sir, what's with all the cupping?
Again, as you're aware, your drying routine involves a significant amount of ball-handling. I'm unclear as to why this is necessary.
First, I've owned a pair of balls my entire life, and they have, on occasion, been in need of drying. I've found that a medium-to-thick terrycloth towel, in conjunction with exposure to the air, is sufficient for complete drying vis a vis my nuts. While I have avoided careful consideration of your own testicular area, despite your very public displays, I imagine from a physiological standpoint, we don't differ enough that hot air drying would be necessary for you to accomplish this task.
Furthermore, while you are a man of some height, the hot air dryers are far too high on the wall to ensure that the air they emit will have the required velocity necessary to dry your balls. At best, you are treating them to the light suggestion of a warm breeze, akin to the feeling one gets while sitting on a pier at sunset overlooking the Florida Keys. And no amount of cupping, shaking, handling, stretching, organizing, or re-arranging will change that.
For the comfort and consideration of all the people who use our gym locker room, please stop publicly cupping your balls.
Regards,
Our Man In Chicago
An open letter to a guy at my gym
It's all downhill from here
In this week's TOC Theater section, you can read the apex of my journalism career: an interview with former Styx frontman Dennis DeYoung.*
A couple tidbits about this interview that don't appear in print:
* In setting up the interview, DeYoung left me a voicemail that ended with him saying the following: "Alright? ALRIGHT? ALRIIIIGHT!" Reading this doesn't do it justice, but imagine his voice getting both louder and higher until he hits the final "ALRIIIIGHT!" in perfect Rock Falsetto.
* When I called him back to set it up, he gave me both his office and cell phone number so I would have no problem reaching him. This was important because he, in his words, has "Rockzheimer's" and forgets stuff.
* In response to a question about what his wife would say is the secret to staying married to a musician for 38 years, DeYoung mentioned the need for patience, kindness, understanding...and then began reciting the lyrics of "The Grand Illusion". "I wrote that 30 years ago, it's all right there."
DeYoung was a really decent guy, and this was the most fun I've ever had during an interview. I'm really happy with the way this turned out, mainly because you really do get a sense of what he's like to talk to, particularly bits like this:
TOC: Were you exposed to musical theater growing up?
Dennis DeYoung: Absolutely not. I grew up on the South Side of Chicago. I was exposed to the White Sox and “Do you want that beef dipped?”
RIMSHOT!
Somehow, I managed to remain professional and not ask him what the deal was with a song like "Lorelei," which extols the very un-rock virtues of cohabitation.
* Sorry this blog has exclusively become "Stuff I Do At Work." I promise to get back to blowhard-y opinions about music and pop culture next week. But come on: "I want that beef dipped" didn't kinda make your day a little?
Chicago promoter's ordinance tabled for now
Thanks to a ramshackle coalition of the Chicago Music Commission, live performance venue owners, and grass roots cultural supporters - largely organized online - the Chicago promoter's ordinance was tabled, for now. The ordinance will likely be brought up for a vote next month, but this time it will be the result of input from the local music industry. Supposedly. Statements on the issue and a follow-up interview with Alderman Brendan Reilly on the TOC blog.
Right before the ordinance was tabled, I posted an overview of some of the less-reported details about the ordinance, particularly how it would affect film exhibitors, comedy shows and storefront theaters. It's still worth looking at today as the city's been making every effort to cloud the effects of this issue.
The theory I alluded to yesterday about why this ordinance was seemingly pushed through so quickly got a little more ammunition yesterday, when it was revealed in a statement from Alderman Schulter's office that explicitly said the ordinance was introduced at the behest of the mayor. Sure, you could say this is a money grab by the city, but it's really about making the city "safe" for the Olympics. But does "safe" mean cracking down on crime or sanitizing the cultural offerings in the city?
I'll have more later today on the TOC blog on the lessons learned from this ordinance fight, particularly how it relates to this week's TOC cover story on Chicago protests - past and present. (We couldn't have planned that if we wanted to, but oh the serendipity!)
Today's promoter's ordinance updates
Yesterday, Chicago's live performance community - including folks in the music and dance scenes - formed a critical mass of protest against the proposed promoter's ordinance, which goes up for a vote in front of the City Council tomorrow. With all the talk about the influence of blogs and new media, which - despite a couple articles in the Sun-Times and Tribune - is where the real information about this story is coming out, you might be surprised to learn it's taken this long. But the thing is, when politics is involved, things get muddled. People don't realize how local government works, even in a political city like Chicago, and to really get to know a story like this, you need to delve into complex language and bureaucracy, and understand how governmental procedures work. More than one person - in the media and otherwise - sounded false alarms about how this ordinance was already a done deal.
But hey, even the city - and its aldermen - don't seem to know the ordinance very well (see our Q&As with Aldermen Waugespack and Reilly on the TOC blog). The city's been saying that artists won't be precluded from promoting their shows, but that's only if they do nothing but play and don't deal with any of the "operational responsibility" of the show. Which is pretty much everything else.
We've had a couple conversations in the TOC offices about this ordinance, and what's becoming clear to all of us is that this just doesn't affect music and clubs, it also affects theater and comedy and any type of live performance in the city. Venue owners are just now figuring out how this might affect them. Non-profit theater owners are being told they're safe, but that's not how I'm reading this (and honestly, I'm about as much of an expert as anyone else at this point since I've talked to people on and off the record - who should know - who can't tell me whether my interpretations are correct or not).
There's also an open question of why this is happening now. I've got a couple theories, but if you operate from the point of view that everything that comes out of City Hall these days is about the Olympics, you can probably come up with a theory or two yourself.
In retrospect, maybe we should have done more analysis before now. So today, look for a post from me on the TOC blog about some of the detailed issues that are being overlooked on this ordinance. Also, I'll be reviewing last night's Swedefest at Schubas with El Perro del Mar and Lykke Li.
Chicago hates music?
Yesterday I wrote a little something about the city's promoter's ordinance. Don't let anyone fool you, this ordinance is not about safety, it's about money. Money the city can't get from promoters who sponsor shows at established venues (the city, of course, is exempt from these no licensing fees). And make no mistake: these aren't cigar-chomping sleazebags, or people who operate unsafe clubs (note that the "impetus" for this proposal was the E2 disaster which can only tangentially be blamed on the promoters) these are people like...well, me, when I worked at Chicagoist and we would sponsor shows. Or Tankboy, or Gapers Block or any of the other individuals who put together bills and make this city's music scene so great.
But as you'll see if you read the post, I reserve most of my ire for the Chicago music community itself. For years now, differences among venue owners and other members of the community has prevented them from banding together as a group to prevent laws like this from passing. In fact, I wrote a variation on this post two years ago. I'll be interested to see what actions are taken in advance of next week's City Council vote.
Also, look for a review of last night's Robyn show on the TOC blog later today.
First time, last time
Former TOC associate music editor turned classical music record label fat cat Marc Geelhoed tagged me with this. I think if I don't respond, a cousin of mine will die of malaria or something...
The rules of the meme:
1. Pick up the nearest book.
2. Open to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people, and acknowledge who tagged you.
My desk sits next to my bookshelf so finding the nearest book is easy. But when I lean back in my chair, the books nearest me on the shelves* are those by P.J. O'Rourke. And so, from Eat The Rich:
And is there some middle way like the ball-up in Sweden? All the world's Russia experts (and most of its Russians) are trying to figure these things out. But Russia is "a riddle wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma, tied in a hankie, rolled in a blanket, and packed in a box of little Styrofoam peanuts," said Winston Churchill, or something like that.
Yeah, kinda dated, huh?
And so, I tag ejshea, Tankboy, Wood-Tang, Bridgeport Seasonings, and Tales of a Post-Grad Nothing.
More to come in the next few days: book reviews and the return of the Wood-Tang/OMIC letters.
No, really, this was work
Several hours, in fact. But honestly, it was totally worth it.
Watch the kind of stuff I'm paid to do here. I promise you won't be sorry. Especially if you want to see Megatron fight Indiana Jones, Iron Man, The Hulk and a giant unicorn.
Don't flow/go
Does it strike anyone else as weird that this:
...has the same name as this:
I know they're Yazoo everywhere else but they're Yaz here for crying out loud (and reuniting this summer!)
